A Letter to the Jaguar Sisters

Mask fallen. The heart is exposed. Raw, yes. The questions of who I am resurfaced.

The understanding is there. The glimpses, becoming reality. Ever more so, now.

Connected.

Rejoiced, in her true self.

After freeing this stabbing in my chest, of continuously holding onto this grief. What good has it done? Keeping me safe and tucked away. Maintaining this mask, of fear and illusion. And if I let the guard go, truly let me see me and you all see me, will I even love myself?

It must have hurt a lot more, you leaving and betraying me. Broke my trust and I haven’t been the same since. Blocked from my playfulness. I blamed it on being different, always needing space. I just didn’t want to face it, tell others I was hurt. Told them I was sensitive to the ‘bad vibes’. Perhaps. But I was just trying to get away from you. Protect myself. Not wanting to admit it. And because I couldn’t, I kept you at distance. Faking a smile. Getting angrier and angrier, pushing you away.

You never gave me space though. A shadow all along. Copying me. Not giving each other room to play. Only letting you see the surface, not my opened and wounded heart. Kept my mask on. “I’m ok.” Kept moving, trying to get away. Swirling. Blaming the journey, instead. “It’s a different road.” Sure. It was my own. I had to plant seeds here and there. But we’re no different. We’re the same. And I was hurt. Jealous of your beauty, your creativity and loving heart.

I felt like I had taken the burden all along. Cursed my path.

Comparring and not staying in my lane. Lost, never learned to be me. Clinging onto anyone who resembled a friend, like you. Like me. I’m sorry for not telling you, showing you my true emotions.

It’s time to get to know me again.

The real me.

No more being polite.

No more hiding this heart away.