This one was difficult to write. More scraps of paper in less than a week than over a year. Going back and forth. Doubting, asking myself over and over again if this needs to be shared. Yes. It does.
The voice of the feminine still being seized for expressing their truth. So, I’m prepared for whatever outlook takes place after this. I just know that this is not my pain or story to keep anymore. Keeping it in, keeps me in silence, observing and not doing anything about it. So perhaps this is a way to help free myself and others to find the courage to share their truth.
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At an early age, I had my light and joy taken from me. Empathetic little healer, I took on the pain of my abuser, and continued this gruesome, subtle and painful pattern with my relationship towards the masculine. Lowering myself, and my standards with zero sense of what healthy boundaries looked or felt like. Always falling prey to this nice masculine figure, who carried the same pain and acts of cruelty as my abuser.
We very much want to hang on, and see this masculine for being wholesome; for he provides, or has done good in the community, or is simply a nice person. Though there is so much more beneath the surface that is not being acknowledged. And it’s time we continue to shed the moonlight on these unhealed shadows. Just because they’re not out there mistreating the feminine, does not mean that their energy, their minds, or their emotions aren’t. Continuing the abuse on subtle frequencies.
I share with you an experience I had last summer. I was invited by someone who is well known in our community, for a picnic business meeting. I thought to myself that this would be fine, to co-create some form of workshop together. That was the plan. – Prior to us getting together, I had felt sexual energy between us, that was influenced by another member of the community. I was only starting to reconnect to this part of my being. So, I was vulnerable yet open to exploring this fun, creative energy with a new friend. I agreed to meet him for this picnic near the river. I brought snacks and began to notice that he wasn’t really putting in any effort himself. Throughout our conversations, something didn’t feel right, though I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling. He was using subtle manipulation in his speech. Unconscious or not. All I knew is that my body was reacting in anger and fear. This guy seemed nice. Jolly to everyone. Gave a lot of his time and energy to the community. I should trust him. Keep being nice. Give away my sense of worth to please him and disregard what I was feeling. Keep lightness in the interaction, and not disturb his unhealed, fragile ego. I even remember expressing to him at one point that I didn’t feel safe. I got emotional and felt weak again. I felt confused, unsure of myself, stuttering my words. My intuition was completely off radar. – I was already beginning to absorb his fears, allowing it to cloak my intuitive nature. My feminine power. My voice. He obviously wasn’t there for only a business meeting. I caught on once he suggested we go into the river. I didn’t want to but couldn’t find the words to set my clear boundaries. I didn’t want to piss him off. Red flag. Instead I felt I needed to prove to myself and to him that I could get in and have fun. Try to move through the uncomfortable feelings. He kept his distance, respecting me in that regard. I stayed silent. We left.
We continued to see each other in a working environment. My body continued to react in anger and annoyance when I saw him. I was angry for what he did. But because there was no physical proof, only on an energetic level, I didn’t feel I was in the right to express what I felt without me sounding or looking crazy. I could not find my loving words. And did not want to fight fire with fire. Ego and ego. I had done so much of that painful act with my previous relationship. That I stayed silent and became more cold and distant. I lead him on to think we would hang out again. This nice, people pleasing pressure in me wanted to give him a chance at friendship. But my truth knew something needed to be cleared before moving forward. I was never able to come to a place of forgiveness or understanding until today. I eventually stopped talking to him, leaving this unclear mark between us.
This is one experience of many.
The subtleties of manipulation, gaslighting and abuse on all levels is real and can not be denied. Just because they are putting on a mask of ‘spiritual hippie’, ‘guru’, ‘bad boy’ or ‘warrior’ type, does not mean they are not hurting and in fact hurting others with their undealt and unhealed pain and traumas. Yes, I hear you. You are angry and hurt because the feminine took advantage of you. You kept giving to fill your need of validation and feelings of unworthiness. Having her attention, boosted your ego. Your pride. And she gave her power away, not holding you accountable for your actions. You were not ready to hear her. You were not ready to face your shadows. So she left. Or you eventually pushed her away when she couldn’t fill your needs anymore.
There is a sense of worth today. Setting boundaries more clearly. And not falling for your traps. And by you, I do mean the wounded shadow masculine. The pain of molestation, rape and abuse carried down through you. The imprint that was left on you, me and SO many others. To forget our magic, our feminine nature, our pure light and joy. Cloaked so we don’t speak up too loudly. Continue to be kind and forgiving. Even though there is justice in our truth and it does not always need to be of kindness. That doesn’t always help us grow. And it is not our responsibility to take care of or take on your hurt anymore. It is not our responsibility to coddle you and say it’s okay. What you did, and what you’re doing is okay. I see myself in you, so it’s okay.
It is not okay. We deserve to be heard. We deserve freedom without being judged. And that means it’s time to pull your own heads out of your asses and take a look at your faults, too.
Your actions and ENERGY speak louder than your title.
Listen to your intuitive nature. Your instincts. When things don’t feel right, express yourself. I let this go on for so long and kept attracting hurt people who took advantage because I was not honoring my truth. I did not set boundaries. Yes, some people won’t like you once you know your worth and reclaim your sexual identity. But you’re not there to fix or make them feel better about themselves. That’s their job. Just as it is ours to do our own inner healing work so we don’t seduce those whom we actually don’t even want. So we don’t manipulate and continue to tease. Misusing our power. Our gifts. It’s time to get clear on what you deserve. And what’s going to make you happy.
