One year, five months. That’s how long it has taken me to begin typing these words. Scraps of paper throughout the year and the cycled triggers of being pulled back into depression, allowing myself to shrink and avoid what I was being called to do.
Alas, here we are. With a healing heart and a stepping into my power. Inner eye gentle. Softer and fierce in feminine, determined and radiant in masculine. A driving force ready to flow in sync with the oneness of all. — I had been part of a spiritual community, co-owning a wellness center while finishing both my Reiki masters and Life Balance mentorship training.
Even though as a community, we were going through it, we weren’t openly talking about or acknowledging the dark masculine or feminine. We were focused on the light – not always but this is what usually showed on the surface anyway. The Divine. We went through the spiritual awakening and forgot to acknowledge the descent. I tremble. As I share these words. As I express my truth. Now I am seeing more clearly.
We didn’t talk about how painful it was, and what real emotions were hiding underneath the surface. Emotions such as rage, anger, depression, mania etc. These emotions were not welcome. These emotions did not have a chance to be processed. To be seen and loved. To be healed. No, we hopped on the awakening and anything that didn’t feel good, was an automatic no. Smudged away. We held circles and welcomed love but forgot about fear.
How could we forget that we too are human? Who have made and continue to make mistakes. Recreating our past trauma and fears based from child hood, our parents, grandparents and so on. And that the core of our inhumane actions is a longing to go back to that pure raw, wild and innocent heart.
These emotions seen as ‘bad’ or ‘ugly’ are only guides, another teacher urging us to open up to this deeper part of ourselves. One that has been forgotten for a long time now. These heavy emotions are gateways to see your whole human potential. That is what we forgot.
We pushed fear away when we felt triggered, our bellies tightened, throats seized, mind clouds. We didn’t want to face our past. We weren’t ready. Facing in the direction of the light only. Teachers and gurus needing to maintain poised, to be put on this pedestal so that when they did fall, they fell hard. Back down to earth. The descent. By only acknowledging the light we created another form of separation. Between us and other human communities. Between spirit and earth.
I understand: we needed containers, to detox, protect and to create a platform for future generations. But we also created an illusion that the higher was better. The ego, the wounded child needed love and attention and we forgot. Patience and play. And we forgot. Continuing to push aside this cry. This anger, this despair. The child only needs love.
We created circles of women to gather and share and hold one another. To shed layers from our past, to re-awaken our lineages. Yet, we forgot to create space for that wounded soldier.
Kept shying away, turning angrier. Feeling unwelcome. So, I too crashed. From my pedestal. I could not stay in the illusion that only maintaining this sense of poise was going to heal me. Because it sure as hell wasn’t. I had no choice but to listen to this anger and take action. No matter what the consequences were going to be.
I had to leave. Disconnect for a bit. To go searching and continue healing the dark. The ones that got forgotten. Wrath, rage, anger, depression, suicide, envy, lust, insanity. Because I knew that to keep pushing them away, was pushing a part of me away. And I would die had I kept ignoring them. I let them come up no matter how painful it was. No matter how beat up I was at the end of it. It only made me stronger. It only made me wiser. It only brought me closer to compassion. A love for all.
Energy does not die. It transforms. And if we continue to ignore these uglier parts of us, that which is being reflected back at us, to judge and push away these negatives, no one wins. And we continue to create our history of pain and separation.
So, yes. I got out. Of an illusion that walking the spirit road was a one way ticket only. No, my dear brothers and sisters. It is all the ways. It is whichever way works for you. And there are multiple ways to get you home.
Do not lose sight of who you are. And what made you, you. Have the courage to face your past. To explore. And come back a little more in your true skin. Creating the balance of human kind. Spirit and Earth.
My community now? All. I am Mother Earth as you are. I am the Cosmos as you are. I belong to me and am connected to all.